Soft Landings

Never underestimate the love and support others want to provide, when they feel there is not more they can do for your situation.

Coming to Melbourne was a big step for me this time. I love to travel, but this time it took a bit of arse-kicking to get me out the door. It’s been a long week for palliative care appointments and phone calls besides the normal stuff. There has been a heavy feeling of sadness, that is generalised.

After my free time in Melbourne city chatting to my drunken companions, I went into the church I was loitering outside of and sat in silence. Let the mind run free. Stopped trying to figure it all out. Just be.

For the next two days I stayed with a long time uni friend and my aunt. Both places and families provided a safe place to land. Gentle conversations and too much wine for me, further let my mind rest.

Now I’m heading home to it all again. This has not been an escape, it has been a chance to let the sadness dissipate and be replaced with love, support and ready to tackle it all again.

It’s easy to feel alone in shocking or frustrating situations that just don’t end, but you can also feel lonely. Some of the sadness is the loneliness at facing it by myself in the moments I need too. But always, ALWAYS, I have a soft landing after, in more places than I think!

Heart is very heavy

It has been days of meetings regarding seizure management plans and palliative care. It never feels great to share on these days as the heart is very heavy.

The heart is still heavy, but we have a priority on making it lighter. Working towards a new normal and minimising the influence of the outside world until we can join it again.

Even Abbey is a little over it, stopping half way down the hallway to rest while walking.

Right now I’m forced to stop and relax. near Flinders Street Station in Melbourne on a green patch outside the church, where I keep attracting the alcoholics to share my green space.

Coming Home from America

I’ve been home about a week. I’ve had the privilege of completely changing my surroundings and going on an adventure. My brain and body received the rest and excitement they needed.

Coming home though, has been an adventure in itself. So many events have occurred this week.

– An unwell Abbey without any direct cause saw her in Emergency, 2 days after I arrived home. She is still not right, and the doctors don’t know why. Now we hop on the carousel of doctors, therapists and tests to find out what is happening to make her comfortable.

– Doctors changing appointments which changes our weeks!

– boys are super busy with scouts and school. Things are winding up for the year and I know I start to struggle with the added load.

– James did not have the opportunity to make a huge impact on construction of the front wheelchair ramp while I was away due to 2 weeks of rain. With fine weather this week we have worked hard to get the frame in. It feels wonderful to see it coming out of the ground.

Coming home has put me back into my roles very quickly. There has been no time to ease in and pick up the threads gradually. The trip away helped to restore a lot of my confidence, especially in managing Home life.

What I had not expected was the huge weight of the emotional burden that comes with being Abbeys Mum and carer. It melted away when I was off adventuring. It hit me in the chest the first day home. I know I can handle all of the events and chaos. It’s the emotional heaviness that sits in my chest and just behind the eyes. The love, the frustration and the wanting more, it never ceases. This is what makes the carer role so much more exhausting.

I’m ecstatic to be home.